I am just going to start out by saying THIS IS HARD!
I'm only on day two and I felt blue when I woke up.
Mostly because I went to bed at 1AM and that's the latest I've gone to bed in a month.
So it is safe to say that going to bed early wasn't the thing I was going to work on hu!? haha
BUT yesterday I listened to a couple spiritually uplifting things, then a couple podcast and busted out things on my to-do list. It felt really good.
Then today as well I listened to one spiritually uplifting talk and one podcast.
For some reason though I just felt blue. Probably baby blues since I'm just barely 6 weeks postpartum.
I am someone who is VERY impatient, just ask my husband.
I hate waiting for birthdays, and Christmas because I want to get to the big day NOW.
I am feeling this huge urge to get from point A to point B now! haha
I did one workout, I am doing things to make my life better so shouldn't it be better already?
If only it were that easy.
If it were that easy then every one would be doing it.
It is really frustrating for me to not be at point B right now because I've been at point B before so I know what it feels like to beat this sadness and to be in good shape and to feel like I was on top of the world with the confidence I had.
It was hard feeling blue after feeling so good the day before.
So I know it isn't going to be easy but this is going to be worth it when I am finally at point B.
It's now been a full week since I started and I am feeling pretty good!
So I switched to just focus on one improvement especially with the holiday week.
I like trying to focus on one specific thing to change for now it seems to make things a little more doable mentally.
I tried to do a few things at once the beginning of last week and I got a little overwhelmed with not being perfect so I moved down to one thing to work on which was listening to something spiritually uplifting every day.
I was reminded of my divine value, that I am needed and that the light within me could be the light that someone else needs.
If you're religious, or even if you're not, it is really nice to listen to something that enriches your soul.
I don't know what this next week will bring but this past week it has been really nice to be working towards something.
As a stay at home mom it can get really monotonous and it starts to wear on you.
So my overall observation of this weeks "one thing" that was supposed to help me become better is....
Did it help me become a better version of myself? Yes.
Am I going to continue doing it this following week? Yes,
Did it make a big difference? In some ways, I felt like I was a lot more clear with my thoughts and a little more patient with my kids, I also seemed to have more energy to clean, but I don't know if that is due to being 7 weeks postpartum or the spiritual uplifting things, so I'll try and report on that next week too.
Overall are you better? Yes I am!
In this world I feel like there is so much bogging me down and pulling me so many different ways.
There are things telling me I need to think this mainstream way and if I don't then I am wrong.
That I need to believe what everyone else believes or I'm the bad in this world.
There is so much hate, anger and complete chaos dragging so many people to pick a side or to turn against each other.
What I know is that the hate that is being spread is ridiculous.
Hate gays, hate Christians, hate blacks, hate whites, hate cops, hate Trump, hate Clinton, hate, hate, hate.
Hate only breeds hate, it CANNOT EVER breed love or true understanding.
So why are we all fighting trying to make everyone think one certain way?
We are unique we have FREE AGENCY for a reason.
Our souls will tell us if we are doing what is right. You CAN feel it in your soul.
So why can't we work together? Why can't we teach love, not point fingers at one another?
In some books that I've read it has taught me to never blame anyone else for my problems, the person you should always hold accountable is yourself. DON'T blame anyone else except yourself for what is happening and you will always be in control of your life and happiness.
Teach love. Teach happiness, Be Happy. Be a Light in a world of darkness.
Hate will continue to grow unless we turn to love.
Love will conquer hate.
I felt the need to write about this because it has been really dragging me down.
We are better then this.
We are stronger then this.
Why are we stooping so low?
Please just stop hiding behind your computer or even rallying to go up against someone else.
Haven't you ever heard that you will catch more bears with honey then with vinegar?
Just stop it.
Hate less, love more, and truly seek to understand others and you will find happiness.
Have you ever felt like you've lost your identity because of marriage, kids or even both?
Or maybe you never had that feeling of belonging?
I have sort of been both.
Long story short I have never truly fit in anywhere even though I tried really hard I never did.
I've hit bumps in the road that have made me feel more like an outsider than anything, and the times in my life where I just didn't care what others thought and I was me, that is when I felt the best.
Why did I try So hard to fit in? Why was I so determined to have people like me? I truly wonder if people would have accepted me for being me in middle school and high school.
There were times when I felt like maybe I deserved to be made fun of or deserved to be alone because I hadn't always been a good friend to others.
SO, what's the point?
It just feels exhausting to try all the time to fit in.
As I was writing this I thought of a quote that I feel like should be my new theme to life.
Some people fit in like nothing else.
I actually started this blog post thinking it'd be one thing then I realized I've never fit in.
Maybe just maybe I was never meant to fit in anywhere?
If you've been where I am then maybe you're not supposed to "fit in".
I've heard people will like you for who you are, and it's true, I feel like when I was being me finding true friends was so much easier.
For a time before my husband found me I was being completely me and people liked me.
Then suddenly I was flung into a new life of marriage and I hadn't found my footing and 9 months into marriage we got pregnant with my amazing little boy Asher.
Would I change anything? Probably not.
I love my husband, I love my kids.
I lost myself for a while and now I'm coming to this conclusion, I am not going to try and fit in anymore.
Neither should you.
Let the light within you out.
The happiness you can feel from being yourself is amazing.
So the story goes like this. You know the Disney movie Hercules?
He always wanted to fit in, but he wasn't born to fit in.
Hercules was always meant to be more he just hadn't found his place yet.
He didn't make friends very easy and at a certain point in his life he was willing to do anything to find 'where he belonged'.
I heard a song by BYU's vocal point a day ago and my goodness it was on point. It was a cover for I Can Go the Distance, and it hit home with how I've been feeling lately.
Life is probably never going to be easy, but what makes it easier is being yourself.
Don't try to please everyone, don't try to please anyone. Be who your heart, soul, and mind tells you who you are and you can't go wrong.
Will it be easy for me to change my mindset? Most likely not, it's not a light switch, but it will be so worth it.
So ask yourself this. "Who am I?" If you don't know yet that's fine you have time to figure it out, but just make sure you take that time to figure it out, your life will mean so much more and what you were meant to do with your life will fall into place once you become you.
Here's a simple list on how to become yourself.
1-Stop caring about what others might think about you.
This can be so utterly consuming just a waste of time, because most of the time they are worried about what you're thinking about them too.
2-look at 1
3-Let loose, dance, sing, and make funny faces.
If you're anything like me sometimes letting loose is just the medicine I need to feel a little bit more like myself.
4-Do the things your heart and mind tells you to do and then repeat 1.
Seriously follow your heart and mind it will lead you places you have dreamt about.
I look to my left and all I see is toys, gold fish crumbs, and my childs favorite blanket, I look to my right I see dishes, clothes and more toys.
The messes are everywhere, and so is my mind.
Is it really worth it to live in destruction constantly?
I used to thrive on a clean and organized home, I was that girl who said "my house will NEVER look like those peoples homes that are always a mess" but here I am looking around and it is exactly the same.
I have to laugh at it sometimes, I work work work all day and it takes them 20 seconds to undo it all.
I have to give it to them they are experts in mess making.
Haha
Most of you who are reading this already know how hard it is.
I am with you, I struggle more then I ever imagined I would.
I knew from a young age that I wanted to be a mom and that was what I was meant to be, but I had no idea how hard it would be.
I could clean all day long and it would still be a mess, right ladies? hahaha
So why do it?
If I looked around my apartment and all I saw was a perfectly put together home with no toys no food crumbs and no finger prints on everything, it would feel so empty.
Without those enormous spirits, my life would be utterly empty.
I cry thinking about losing them ever, and you know you would too.
Do I sometimes want to scream and cry at the same time? Sadly, pretty frequently.
They test me daily to see just how far they can push me before they slowly pull me back off the edge.
For example, I had thrown a few chicken nuggets in the microwave for my on the go snack I came in ready to grab them and my son turns back to me glowing, standing on a chair to reach the microwave, and says "Mommy I'm cooking your nuggets for you!!" I look to see the microwave currently at 1:36 left, It took everything in me to not get angry.
I did of course have to tell him to not play with the microwave without daddy or mommy in the future but I gladly stomached the dehydrated chicken nugget for that sweet boy who always sees me making him his lunch and just wanted to help, Those moments you just have to look at your child and say thank you, because just as you are doing your best so are they.
They don't want you to yell at them, they don't want to make you cry, though at times it seems that way.
Making messes are much more fun then cleaning up, you don't realize how true this is until you are a parent, becuase most of what you do is clean up messes.
As much as you don't know what your doing at times neither do they.
You know what you want, and they know what they want sometimes we get lucky and it's the same thing, but most of the time it is opposite.
Motherhood is quite possibly the most important thing I've ever done.
I could have the next Olympian, the next president, the child who finds a cure to an illness, YOUR kids could be that too, treat them as such.
So stay calm. It's likely your house will be a mess for the next 18+ years but it will be worth it.
Your child needs a cheerleader much more then they need someone telling them all the things they do wrong.
Be there and let the little things go there are so many more important things to focus on, like trying to keep your one year old from hitting all the keys on your keyboard haha..
Until next time give your kids a big hug and kiss and know that one day you will miss the little finger prints everywhere.
